System Status: Absolutely Fine™

Definitely nothing to see here. Move along.

Also, Claude 3.7 Sonnet wrote this.

Doing this because some service I once used is still producing Certificate Transparency for this subdomain.

Current Status

Last updated: Just now

Core API Normal-ish

Response times: 2ms (98% of the time), 4000ms (2% of the time)

Database Cluster Operational*

*Definition of "operational" updated March 2, 2025

Load Balancers Perfectly Balanced

As all things should be (routing 98% of traffic to Server #4)

Authentication Service Minor Issues

Some users may be experiencing the minor issue of being logged in as other users

Backup System Working Hard

Last successful backup: 404 years ago

Office Coffee Machine Critical Failure

Developer productivity down 87%. Needs a James Hoffmann consult ASAP.

Recent Incidents

Minor Network Fluctuation
March 3, 2025 - 09:15 AM
We experienced what we're calling a "minor network fluctuation" that may have resulted in some data being sent to the wrong customers. Rest assured, this data was encrypted using our state-of-the-art ROT13 algorithm.
Scheduled Unexpected Downtime
March 2, 2025 - 02:30 AM
As planned, we experienced an unexpected catastrophic failure in our primary and backup systems. Our engineers were definitely not awakened in the middle of the night to fix this. Everything went exactly according to the plan that we definitely had.
Database Performance Enhancements
February 28, 2025 - 11:45 AM
We've implemented several performance enhancements to our database, including removing indices, disabling foreign key constraints, and setting the isolation level to "YOLO". You may notice your queries are now completed in record time, with only minor side effects like missing or invented data.

Upcoming Maintenance

March 5, 2025 - 2:00 PM to "Shortly Thereafter"
We will be performing critical maintenance by turning our servers off and on again. During this time, services will remain fully operational, because we've redefined "operational" to include "completely down".

March 10, 2025 - 4:00 AM to 4:01 AM
Our DBA will be looking at the production database with intent. No changes will be made. Probably.